#4 The ‘S’ Word
I really hate the ‘s’ word.
Which word am I talking about?
I’ll give you a hint: It’s not servanthood. Or sacrifice.
No, no, it’s far worse than both of those.
When I was 21, I felt like I was supposed to give up the dream I’d had since I was 14 of being a songwriter. I was hurt and disappointed and downright mad at God about the whole ordeal. But, I didn’t want anyone else to know that (and I certainly didn’t want God to know), so when people would ask me why I’d stopped playing music, I’d simply say, “Eh, I’m kinda over it,” or “I’m just too busy to play.” In reality, I was so sad I couldn’t even go near a piano without bursting into tears.
Surrender is a particularly gruesome act for those of us who are slightly self-absorbed. Why? Because we tend to want the best for ourselves and have our best interest in mind (how thoughtful of us!).
The problem is, we generally have no idea what’s actually best for us. To complicate matters, the outcome of surrender usually looks the exact opposite of what we want.
Well, after a decade of carefully avoiding keyboards and being secretly angry at God (don’t get me wrong, we went on about our normal relationship, I just carefully avoided that topic of conversation), I began to wonder if I’d really surrendered the whole music thing at all?
No, I had simply quit. Quitting and surrendering are two different things. Surrendering puts things back in God’s hands and says, “I’m done doing this my way. You can have this thing, I trust You.” Quitting simply throws in the towel and stomps off the court, pouting over a loss where you seemingly come out the loser (I’ll give you two guesses which one I did).
The fact is, there is no such thing as selfish surrender. There’s either un-selfish surrender or no surrender at all. There’s no in between.
“I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.” – Job 42:2
If you’re feeling the noose of surrender tightening, feel free to pray this prayer…
Dear Lord, please forgive me for clinging to my own ways and desires. Help me to give up my will, in exchange for your perfect one. Heal my heart of any unspoken pain, loss, or disappointment. In Jesus’ name, Amen.