Comedian Jim Gaffigan recently summed up our collective sentiments about the season that’s upon us, stating, “There’s so much pressure to have fun in the summer.”
In honor of his accuracy, I’d like to present the Top Six Reasons to Stay Home this Summer.
1. It Sets Your Expectations Higher and Higher
There’s an unspoken agreement that each family vacation needs to meet, or exceed, last vacation’s fun-ness. If you give yourself a year off, it’s pretty much like a giant reset button. Suddenly you’re back to zero and any vacation afterwards will seem downright remarkable.
2. You’ll Blow all Your Money on Gas.
Yes, this one makes me sound like a miserly Summertime Scrooge, but seriously, you can’t drive to the nearest state park without eating up half your gas budget. Stick to your backyard or a local campground for an overnight outing.
3. Apparently, Sunscreen Gives You Cancer, Too.
At this point, what doesn’t? But, nevertheless, if you travel anywhere south of the Mason-Dixon line you’ll be forced to slather up, thereby subjecting yourself to certain and utter death.
4. You’ll Be Crankier Than When You Left Home.
We whine all year about needing a vacation, then maniacally drive to the nearest coastal area, stay up ‘till midnight five nights in a row, get third degree burns while Instagramming seagulls, then come home mad and tired. I say, skip the madness and just set your snooze next Saturday.
5. You’ll Blow All Your Money on Food.
After you’ve spent half your moolah on gas, you’ll inevitably waste the other half on rest stop vending machine fare and Mickey Mouse-shaped ice cream bars. Instead, spring for a picnic lunch at a lake near your house or grill out with your neighbors.
6. You Don’t Like Being Hot Anyway.
It’s ironic that we celebrate the stickiest of seasons with a myriad of outdoor activities, because based on the level of everyone’s complaints, it seems like this should be the time of year to stay indoors. But, contrary to popular opinion, you don’t have to spend every waking minute outside so buck the system and soak up some A/C this year. Break out a game of Yahtzee, make some homemade fruit popsicles, and or just enjoy the sights and sounds of summer from the comfort of your own screened-in porch.
*Author disclaimer – Lest you think I’m truly cynical and summer-opposed, I should let you know that I plan on taking a vacation with my family and indulging in all of the superfluous, aforementioned summertime indulgences anyway.